My Family of Origin..

My family of origin was not perfect. There were flair ups of temper, problems with anxiety, chronic illness, money issues, misunderstandings, and anger. I dislike the word dysfunctional, so I never use it to describe my family. Dysfunctional is the opposite of functional. To me, this means a family who does not provide for the basics of life to their children. Such things as, food, shelter, and support. A dysfunctional family NEVER achieves center field. This family always remains in the outfield never catching the ball. This analogy is simple. An example of an outfield family could participate in child abuse, incest, alcoholism, and violence, never achieving balance. Notice I said, NEVER achieving balance. In the very worst of family situations, healing can take place. Even the most terrible problems can get better with repentance and forgiveness.

In general, the use of dysfunctional in describing a family is overused and often, incorrect. Dysfunctional means something that does not work...at all. Well, even though my family of origin had more than its share of problems, I have never felt that I came from a dysfunctional family. I feel that I came from a disjointed family.

The term dysfunctional gives the feeling that a family was completely unsuccessful. On the other hand, a disjointed family is one that lacks unity and cohesion or the inability to come together as a single unit. This is how I would describe my family.

When a man and woman come together in marriage and start a family, I feel usually they have good intent. I do not believe that parents deliver children for the sole purpose of making them miserable. I don't feel that when a couple says "I do," they come together with the intent of destroying their love and respect. If this does happen it basically occurs from the inability to cope. Or, the skills that one uses to offset the disadvantages of everyday life. Some people are just better at offsetting or coping.

Am I so naive to think that dysfunctional family's do not exist? Of course not. I am saying, my family of origin was not one of them. We were disjointed.

My family had to deal with long separations, opposition, frequent dislocation, chronic illness, mental illness, miscommunication and at times, poverty. Yet, our family was very successful in meeting goals and offering security. We were a small internal group of four. Most of my life I felt that love was abundant. However, I feel that we often functioned without cohesion. I never felt that I was going to starve, or that I would not have my physical needs met. Yet at times, I did feel that arguments and disagreements encouraged a lack of cohesion. The outcome of this lack of cohesion strained relationships which remain to this day.

So, what are the positive outcomes in which I feel my family was successful:

A strong work ethic
The meeting of financial goals
Instilling the importance of education
Protection
Teaching money management
Defence against outsiders who tried negatively to influence a family member
Strategic planning
Sharing for the common good
Generosity
Belief in God
Care for others
Good nutrition
Financial support
Personal responsibility
The sense of not giving up because something is hard, or endurance and perseverance.

There are many more that I could list. However, these specific positive outcomes have remained with me until this day. Therefore, even though disjointed, I feel that our family was successful. As I have grown older, I have accepted that the perfect family does not exist. It is a figment of unreality. I do not hold my parents to a higher standard or hold them more accountable than I hold myself. I feel that it is necessary to focus on the good which parents do. Focusing only on the negative leads to distortion and often confusion of facts. Often with time, more distortion takes place. This means facts give way to inaccurate perceptions.

Once when I was suffering from a personal pity party, a friend enlightened me. He explained, if your parents did nothing at all but to give you existence, then you were fortunate. Life is better than no life. So, when one views life at such a basic level, all families incur some success.

I feel that my family was more than successful, and that I was more than fortunate. The law of relativity always wins. Whenever I am in doubt, the law of relativity gives me a new perspective. Offsetting the disadvantages of life is a life long learning process. Therefore, one can choose to cope with what one has been given, or use the easier method of the blame game. Since I have tried both, I have found the development of offsetting offers greater gain. It simply works better. Offsetting offers new light and a brighter personal world.

Most, although not all of my disadvantages and problems in life, have come from poor personal choices and decisions. No one held a gun to my head and forced me to marry at age 18. I made this choice much to the chagrin of my parents. This one decision has led to more personal unhappiness and more unhappiness for my children than anything my parents could ever be held responsible. Personal responsibility is a measure of maturity and personal growth.

I'm still growing.